I Don't Like My Child's New Friends
When your children are little you have a good deal of control over who your children play with, and who they become friends with. As they grow up, and go into higher grades, that control wanes. What do you do when you realize, "I don't like my child's new friends"?
Knowing when to step in and put an end to a friendship is difficult. It's equally difficult knowing when to back off and let things work themselves out naturally. How do you reach that tenuous balance without adversely affecting your relationship with your child? Here are some tips:
* Forbidding a child to spend time with a friend will likely backfire on you. They may say they're no longer friends, but may secretly be spending time with them. This will cause problems with your being able to trust them in the future. Your best bet in this situation is to wait and see. Your child may decide they don't want to remain friends with the child in question.
* To have a little more control over the friendship, make your home a safe place for all kids to come to, especially teenagers. If your house becomes the "in" place, you'll be able to meet your children's friends, get to know them, and set up rules to be followed.
* Be involved in your child's after school or extra-curricular activities. Pick them up after school and pay attention to the other parents of the students. Listen and pay attention to what the other children or teens are saying about the different students.
* Of course, if there are obvious things that make you uneasy about one of your child's friends, you have to step in. Has your child started using inappropriate language, drinking, breaking curfew, or have their grades slipped? These are major red flags that must be addressed.
* Don't start complaining about your child's friend without having specific, real life examples of why you believe this friend is not a good influence on your child. Tell your child that grades are more important than the friendship because grades may affect their future. Let them know that the child is not an acceptable friend and that you insist upon their ending the friendship. In many cases, your child may be relieved because they were uncomfortable with the relationship as well.
* If your child insists that their friend is worth holding on to, give them an opportunity to talk to you about why they think so. Ask pointed questions about their friend such as, "Can you trust Jack?" "Can Sue keep a promise?" "Have they ever let you down?" Help them see that this friend may not be such a good friend after all.
* Finally, let your child know that you love them and that you're worried about them, particularly if their behavior has changed for the worse. Your job as a parent is to help your child to grow into a responsible adult and to help them reach their dreams. You can't do that if your child's friends are getting in the way.
It's almost inevitable that your child will have one friend you're not thrilled about. Realizing "I don't like my child's new friend" is not the end of the world. You can encourage your child to invite the friend over so you have some say in when they are able to see one another. You may find that they're not so bad after all, or your child may decide they don't want to be friends with them as much as they thought they did.
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