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But Mom, All of My Friends' Parents Let Them
There is no phrase in existence that mothers hate to hear more than, "But Mom, all of my friends' parents let them _____." Fill in the blank with your child' latest desire; you're sure to understand. How do you handle it when your child tells you their friends' parents let them do something you don't approve of? These ideas may help when the "but Mom" statements begin.
It may help to know that you're not alone. Other parents have to make the hard choices when it comes to allowing their children to go certain places, wear certain clothes, or behave in certain ways. Take heart, it is possible to make it through the teen years with your child and your sanity intact.
Your child needs to understand how much their parents love them. They need to know that no matter how much you're at odds over some topics, nothing will change your love for them. If they understand how deeply you are committed to their welfare, you may find the tension eases somewhat.
After they understand that you love them, explain that you are not responsible for what their friends or their friends' parents do. They are your child and you have to do what you feel is best for them, including making unpopular decisions based upon your moral upbringing, past experiences, or understanding of the circumstances.
Know ahead of time where you stand on issues such as drugs, alcohol, sex, sneaking out of the house, lying, and other issues that can be dangerous for your child. Don't panic if your child says they want to dye their hair orange. While this may be embarrassing when you"re out in public together, it"s unlikely they'll lose their life over their hair color. In other words, choose your battles carefully, or as a popular book says, "Don't sweat the small stuff."
Let them know what your stance is on major issues and that you expect them to follow your rules regarding them. You can even write down your expectations in the form of a contract along with possible repercussions for breaking the rules. Have all parties involved sign the contract and then post it somewhere that it can be reviewed as frequently as needed.
Keep things in perspective and remember that you were once a teen as well. Try to understand your child's need to feel important to their peers. They want to fit in with the crowd and do the things the crowd does. Allow them to do some things "their parents let them do" but stick to your guns when the larger, more important issues arise.
No matter how bad things get, teens need you in their corner. Reinforce that they can talk to you about anything and that you'll always love them, no matter what. Give your teen a chance to spread their wings. They are growing up, after all, and need to learn sometimes the hard way. Be there for them when they fail and be supportive when things don't go the way they had hoped. Let them know you're not turning your back on them no matter what.
Parenting a child isn't easy - in fact itís one of the toughest jobs in the world. Parenting a teenager is even harder. There are many things that youíll butt heads over, but when your teen says, "But Mom, all my friends' parents let them," you know you can stand your ground. Your teen may be pushing you, testing your resolve to keep them safe, and secretly desires and appreciates your telling them "no".
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